Pardon..... What did you say dear?

I have conducted some tests. I have concluded that despite the fact that Super Nan has the volume turned up full on the TV, her hearing is in fact as good as mine. I am sure that its all a ruse to make everyone think that she is slightly deaf, so that its safe to talk about her behind her back.... in fact she hears every word!! You have been warned!!!

On a serious note, Super Nan's hand is still very swollen and sore after her cat attack. I think that Lily knows that she has done wrong as she is keeping a lower profile than a limbo dancing slug. Having been tried and convicted of NBH (Nanny Bodily Harm), Lily is now on a strict bread and water diet and is now not allowed upstairs in the evening.

Day Fifteen: Bin Stress

Well, I put the wheely bin out last night as instructed by Super Nan. Sadly my protestations about the fact that everyone else in the street had their green bin out, Super Nan insisted that I put out the grey one. Apparently Super Nan had it on good authority that the collections were still all "up the spout" after Christmas and the snow and that we really did need to put the grey bin out. Anyway, having been woken up in the middle of the night by men and lorries going up and down the road, it appears that everyone else was correct.... it was a green bin day. So now Super Nan is in a state of high stress...... at least it will give her something to talk (or moan) about when she has lunch with Gwen later.

For those of you in parts of the world where you just throw the rubbish in the bin and it gets collected once a week..... welcome to our world, we have four different receptacles for different types of waste/recycling..... in fact we don't throw things away any more.... its more like doing the filing. And in the state controlled conditions we live in these days here in blighty, even thinking about putting a plastic bottle in the tin can bin is a crime. Some councils even fit wheely bins with micro chips to enable them to better detect that sort of crime. If you don't believe me, look here or here. More worryingly have a look at this Daily Wail story regarding fines if you put the bin out on the wrong day!

Still I am pleased to report that Super Nan's hand has recovered sufficiently for her to drive herself down to Wooburn Green and to make her daily pilgrimage to Budgens.

If anybody laughs....

..... I will bite them next time they show up round these parts. Promise!

I had rather hoped that with Mother away I wouldn't have to suffer the embarrassment of wearing this, but having been on a walk to the village in the rain, Super Nan thought it would be an excellent idea to put it on.

Thanks a bunch!

Breaking News.....

This just in from our Shepherds Bush correspondent.

Informed sources say that Jon Beazley, Head of Light Entertainment at the BBC has just resigned, apparently over the Sunday evening taxi debacle.

Uninformed sources say they know nothing about it.

Read the full story here

Day Fourteen

Here's a clue as to today's action



Having been savaged by one of the cats in the middle of the night, Super Nan need to go to the Doctors in order to get some antibiotics for her swollen hand.

We transfused the Sunshine Bus into one of these!

Subsequently I have been on a tour of Pharmacies in South Buckinghamshire to get the right pills and yet again have worn my pads to the bone.




Consequently we now have a cat to give away - free to a bad home.

The Little Drummer Boy

I had promised to post Chris's performance on here.... so here goes... his first appearance is about 4'25" in. Enjoy. (Look away now if you know anything at all about drumming or if you are easily offended by crimes of a musical nature.) Luckily, despite Chris's best efforts, Danny Jones wasn't voted out of the competition!

Day Thirteen

Well today's excitement was taking Super Nan and Audrey to the Chiropodist in Marlow. I'll spare you the details, but it did feel a bit like a Variety Club Sunshine Coach outing, only without the sunshine.

Still, once we had safely deposited them at the Chiropodist, we were able to sample the delights of Burger's Tea Room for half an hour and buy some lovely bread for our tea.

For some reason, which I can't quite get to the bottom of, I was left outside in the rain......... with some dogs!!

Then on the way home, we called in to Budgen's to pick up some essential tea bags and other supplies. The tea bag situation had got critical and we were considering issuing a Mayday or calling in the Red Cross, but luckily Budgen's came to our rescue and avoided an international incident.

I think that Super Nan is quite enjoying having her own personal chauffeur and bag carrier I guess when Mother gets back, she will have to take over these duties!! - not to mention a few others like making hot chocolate every 20 minutes, listening to Super Nan's endless supply of stories etc etc etc.

BBC Taxi thwarts Paris trip

Well, investigations have revealed that apparently Agent "F" didn't make it back to Paris last night as the BBC booked car didn't turn up at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane to take her to St. Pancras International. So she reluctantly had to return to HQ last night and take a train today with Agent "C".



However...... a few minutes on the interweb has revealed that .....



1) A Black Cab hailed in the street would have taken 10 minutes to reach St. Pancras.

2) Walking would have taken 26 minutes

3) The Piccadilly Line (Covent Garden Tube Station just 250mtrs away) would have taken just 11 minutes.



All in all, it was lucky then that Agent "F" had left her clothes strewn across the floor of Agent "C"'s bedroom on Saturday night!



I have added a picture of the conveyance that Agents F & C clearly assume that we all arrived on. (Not quite what the old saying refers to, but its the best Google Images could do..... and I'm sure you get the point).
















Luckily Agent "S" and I were just loafing about at home and could take them to the station, but really Agent "C" could have mentioned his requirements for a lift to the station when he arrived on Thursday and not just assume that we are all just waiting around to take him somewhere at a moments notice.
Super Nan was here, but she should have been out at lunch but decided not to risk the icy roads. Given the fatal car crash on the Cressex Industrial Estate, it became clear that Super Nan had made a very wise decision not to go out. Agent "C" must learn that strangely the world doesn't revolve around him and the 6 Ps rule... i.e. Prior Preparation and Planning Prevents Poor Performance!

Day Twelve

Well imagine our surprise to wake up and find a light covering of snow! As you can see though, clear blue sky and plenty of sunshine.

Now I am beginning to think that having 'celebrity' relations is not all that its cracked up to be. Despite saying that he would be back on his own at 8.30pm.... Chris turned up at MIDNIGHT, with someone else. Again as Head of Security I felt that it was my duty to alert the whole village that something was up. For some reason, he wanted all the neighbours to think that he had been chauffered home in that stretched limo again, although on this occaision he only opened and closed twelve doors.

Still, an air of mystery surrounds the whole episode as we all thought that Fran was going back to Paris last night for work today and that Chris was going today. At the time of writing (10am), as no one has appeared from Chris' room, we have no idea what's going on..... still I am sure that all will be revealed in the fullness of time!

Super Nan is supposed to be going out for lunch, but I think that she is nervous of driving in the snow. However having watched the item on Countryfile last evening about dog sledding I am getting a bit worried as the old sledge has been dragged out of the shed and there is a bit of hammering and banging going on in the garage. I think as a precaution I will hide my two leads which are hanging up in the kitchen, because after all, I am a Labradour not a husky and to be honest, it did seem like a lot of hard work!

Nice Puppies !!

I have to pick one of these as my new brother or sister.

I think I will wait a few weeks and see which one eats the least.

Day Eleven

Well, its all go here again today.... I have got to go to the yard, take the house sitters for a walk, and Super Nan has decided that I need a little brother or sister, so we have got to go and choose a puppy and on top of that we have got a house full at lunchtime.

Luckily it was too icy at the yard to ride so I got to take an extended run around the common. Then we had to get home to cook lunch for seven people. We pushed the boat out and even put the extra leaf in the table.

Rach and Ollie duly arrived at 12:59 and at 1 pm on the dot, as predicted, our celebrity relations came down the stairs...... however what was not predicted was the fact that they went through the kitchen..... out the back door..... never to be seen again!!!

Whilst professing innocence regarding his lunch booking, Chris did mumble something about the fact that he would be back at 8.30pm (on his own).

So the table was re-laid and the five of us had double portions! As Ollie was a bit 'under the weather' Rach had offered to stay away as they didn't want to pass on his germs to the 'celebs'. Luckily they didn't otherwise the three of us would have struggled to eat lunch for seven!

Despite his ailments poor Ollie filled in for Chris on washing up duty!

Day Ten

Well we were all up early (well, 8am, that's what passes for early since the "regime change") as it was Festival Trials Day at Cheltenham. Polly provided transport and a picnic, the primary contents of which were Champagne & Smoked Salmon sandwiches !!

By the time we got home we had had quite a lot of fresh air.... so we were of course fast asleep at 01.45 on Sunday morning when our 'celebrity' relations got home having been to see some of their friends on the stage in Bromley. As security is one of my main responsibilities here, I felt that it was my duty to wake the whole house up from the moment I heard the car turn off the main road. I have to admit I was slightly excited as it sounded as though they really were living the high life and had come home in one of those stretch limos as I counted at least 17 doors being opened and closed. Imagine my disappointment then in the morning when I discovered Chris' old blue Nissan parked outside!

Is there........

.... any Chicken Korma left?

Day Nine

Well things have settled into a nice routine here. No one gets out of bed until 7.45 at the earliest! (I know that Mother will be reading this thinking that I am joking, but no really, no one gets up until 7.45, honest!) We have even got Lily trained not to bother us all until we get out of bed. Then after a leisurely breakfast I can go for a stroll before my morning coffee. Today is slightly different as Chris is here and he has gone off on the train to London as he is appearing in ITV's Pop Star to Opera Star programme this evening. Its live on ITV 1 so we are gearing ourselves up to record it so that we can post it on here. The hairdresser has been and the lady that does is here at the moment. We are hoping that the handyman will turn up soon to fit the new transformer to the light in the kitchen. Super Nan keeps calling it a "motor", but I'm now bored of correcting her, so a motor it is!

It's amazing how popular one can become sometimes, I thought as it was Friday that I'd treat myself to a curry from the marvellous Radhuni in the village. Word has got out and now I've got a house full as Rach and Hannah have invited themselves round too! Cheek of it, if they think that they are getting their paws on any of my Tandoori Chingri Massala, they can think again!

Now apart from worrying about when the patio door is going to drop off its hinges, I feel I must undertake a review of the cleaning operations which take place here at HQ. A nice lady came yesterday, (Thursday) and in between talking to Super Nan and drinking tea, eating cake etc did some cleaning. Last evening I noticed that the mat from the downstairs cloakroom was draped over the chair in the hall, (I think it was put there whilst the floor was mopped) so being a good boy I replaced it on the floor in the cloakroom. Now today, we have another very nice lady taking the place by storm with the Dyson. However, whilst barking at the postman, who was trying to deliver a parcel, I notice that the same mat is again draped over the same chair not 24hours later! Whilst I admire Super Nan's efforts to keep the place "Shipshape and Bristol fashion" I am of the opinion that there is a degree of duplication taking place.

Now I am also considering a review of whether or not I over use the word "now".

I suppose it would be a bit remiss of me not to mention the plane that landed in the village the other evening. The local paper's website got a little over excited and printed a load of rubbish. Basically it was a light aircraft (Chinese Air Force trainer - a Nanchang) returning to White Waltham from Denham. Weather was a bit ugly, getting dark, pilot made PRECAUTIONARY landing (note precautionary, not emergency) in a suitable field. No one injured, no schools or hospitals crashed in to and most importantly no bunnies or puppies killed. I also love the police comment about "it possibly suffered an instrument failure"..... goodness me, its Chinese, it doesn't have any instruments!!! Well not any that would influence a decision on a precautionary landing.

The Wanderer Returns... and washes up!!

There was quite a lot of running about yesterday as one of the cars had to go for an MOT, which of course it passed, but did involve two trips to the garage and then I had to go and collect Chris from the station. By the time I got home, I had worn my pads almost to the bone! Honestly, you wouldn't catch those cats doing anything to help and they have got three times as many legs as me!

But all that effort was worth it! As you can see, whilst making a rare excursion out of his bedroom, Chris did actually do the washing up after dinner. If you look closely, you can see that he was like a Whirling Dervish even the Super Dooper iPhone camera wasn't quick enough to catch the action.

Day Eight.... Rated Operation

..... what? I hear you say, "Rated Operation"? Don't worry, more of that later. First, the latest news from around these parts.

Well the sun came out a little bit so Ginny & Nigel decided that as it was such a nice afternoon that snoozing in the conservatory was the best plan.

Now, since Mummy has been away, I have had a bit more time to do some thinking. Do you know that between naps, those cats go out 15 times a day, each! Sometimes they only go out for less than one minute before they want to come in again! This means that Super Nan is effectively running a marathon (26miles 385yards) EVERY WEEK just letting those cats in and out. I would like to point out that I only go out twice a day and this is only when the other humans are going out anyway. So here's the thing, what has been keeping me awake at night is the thought that the door mechanism is being operated 90 times a day, as of course the cats cannot get organised to come in and go out together. Now when a company design a product, they design it to have a certain life span, or operate a certain number of times. A uPVC door mechanism is quite complex as it not only operates the handle and yale type lock, but also throws the four additional locking points on the side, top and bottom of the door. Now I have checked with Hazlemere Windows, the locking mechanism for our patio door was designed for 50,000 operations, with an average operation over the year of 65 operations per week, it should last around 15 years. However, with those pesky cats going in and out so often it means that the patio door is being unreasonably accelerated towards the end of its design life. So that means that, in one year here, the door is getting ten years use! ...... so, if I just work out.... the length of time that we have had them, subtract the installation date, from today's date........ means that they will be life expired................ oh, um, er.......... tomorrow. Oh. I think that is what Windows (excuse the pun) would call "An unexpected result".

For completeness, I have included a drawing of a typical lock mechanism, although sadly at the time of going to press, the stress calculations were not available.

Day Seven

Well to be honest its been pretty quiet on the western front today. Super Nan was quite tired after all of her entertaining yesterday. The weather has been quite cold and the promise of clear skies and sunshine this afternoon from the Met Office of course turned into rain. So all in all, and with growing excitement over the impending influx of our celebrity relations from Paris over the next few days, a day to lay in front of the new wood burning stove that we have had fitted in place of the gas fire.

Bernie the Bolt

Apparently Mummy is visiting an old 'friend' (nudge nudge, wink wink, - Ohhh 'er Mrs, Stop It, No sniggering at the back, please!) called Bernie. That reminded me of a certain TV programme that used to be on ITV on a Sunday Afternoon around tea time called, The Golden Shot. I have searched the internet for a clip. I'm sure that those of us of a certain age can remember it being presented by Bob Monkhouse.... but he was actually preceeded by Charlie Williams. I'm afraid that the only half decent clip I could find (from 1974) features Charlie Williams rather than the more memorable Bob Monkhouse.



Whilst on the TV theme, news reaches us this evening that our Paris correspondants are making a rare visit to the UK this weekend for various TV appearances. Hopefully I will be able to post some video on here as soon as I can.

Day Six

As the sunsets over Flackwell Heath, I can reflect on what a day its been! Its fair to say that it has been all go here. Super Nan has had half the village round for coffee and/or lunch. Strangely someone who came for coffee, couldn't stay for lunch and two of the people who came for lunch couldn't come for coffee. On top of doing all the cooking and being the 'Hostess with the Mostess', being a mere youngster, and the one with the 'wheels', Super Nan has had to chauffeur all her guests around too... so what with taking the coffee people home and collecting the lunch people, she was hardly here! Now I'm sure that would have lost her points on 'Come Dine With Me"!

Day Five

Well at last I almost getting everyone organised. Apart from letting Lily out briefly at 6.30, nobody else got up until 7.45! What bliss, I have always said that being dragged around the streets at 6 am was overrated, but no one would listen. After a leisurely breakfast I did go for a walk at 9am, but to be honest it was pretty miserable in the low cloud and driving rain. In hindsight I really should have stayed in bed until around coffee time as the weather is much better now. Someone please remind me to check the rainfall radar tomorrow before venturing out.

Shetland Pony Grand National

For those of you that haven't seen it, this is what Shetlands do best.

Day Four.... what new coat?

Well we all got up reasonably early and trooped off to the yard only to discover that Rory's new coat was looking a bit the worse for wear! At least he was no longer visible from the International Space Station, so I guess that was a bonus, although I hear that Wycombe Air Park were a bit disappointed as they were planning on using him as a Final Approach Fix for Runway 24.

Then as Rach wasn't coming to the yard ( a very long story, involving Barbados and Dog Training - don't ask, the dog training was outside !!! Glad I wasn't there!) anyway I had to oversee the mucking out of Sam's stable.

Then a little boy (also called Oliver) turned up to take Rory out for a spin. He did have a great hat and a new pair of Toggi riding boots. Luckily neither he nor Rory have seen the Shetland Pony Grand National on television!

Then after a very nice Sunday lunch it was time to settle down in front of the gogglebox to watch a film. The best option was Dr Zhivago. Sadly we hadn't realised that it was such an epic and with commercial breaks was four hours long!

Day Three..... It's Saturday !!!!

But there was no time for a lie in.........

I had to get to the yard early, there were so many things to supervise.

Is this where they keep the food?




Obviously checking what Tracy had in her pockets was a top priority.

Then I had to fit Rory with his nice new rug. This created a lot of interest from all the other horses who must have thought that he was some kind of Space Pony that had beamed down from the planet Zorb. However when I turned Rory back out in his field, Tonka was quite jealous and started biting at the rug. Hopefully he won't wreck it. I just wish I'd remembered to have taken the labels off.

Then I had to take Blizz for a walk. Bear in mind that my legs are considerably shorter than his! Although having been confined to barracks for the last few weeks he was quite lively.

Then I had to check that the "Saturday Muck Out" was being done to "BCA Standards".

I could not wait to get back in the car for a snooze on the way home!

Pesky Cats

Ginny has taken pride of place on the sofa,

Nigel has upgraded himself to the big bed

and Lily has hardly noticed that Mother is missing as she has taken her usual spot to watch the television, through her eyelids of course!

Is it really warmer there?

Well Mother tells me that it was 38 degrees there yesterday, although actually I checked on the internet and found that it was infact 39 degrees.

That is quite warm......










..... but now that Super Nan has got hold of the remote control for the fire, its at least 45 degrees here now, despite it only being 8 degrees outside, with light rain and solid overcast low cloud.

Fly Fishing and French Polishing

For those of you not old enough to understand the references to Fly Fishing and French Polishers in my earlier posting, here are the TV commercials to which they refer.

Its also worth scrolling all the way to the bottom of the page as some postings have been updated with photographs.

Peace Shattered

Well how is a chap supposed to get any sleep between meals around here. All hell has broken loose. The handyman has turned up, the woman who does and the hairdresser. Honestly there is so much hot air being generated in the kitchen and I don't mean from the hair dryer, that I am fearful that there will be a sudden increase in the incidence of two legged donkeys in the neighbourhood!

Day Two.... fallen at the first!

No, I'm not talking about Amy Vowles in the Golden Button Challenge, I mean the house sitters who failed to get out of bed this morning. Rumour has it that they decided that an alarm clock was not required as the howling of the cats at 6.15am was loud enough to wake anyone. Well, they stumbled out of bed at 7.45 to find that Super Gran was in the kitchen putting the kettle on and feeding the cats! Actually it turned out that the cats hadn't been fed properly yesterday morning as their sachets of food hadn't been broken up with a fork to make them easier for the cats' little teeth. Get real, these are the same cats than can rip a live rodent limb from limb in the garden, I'm sure a sachet of Kitty Kat presents no real challenge!

By the time I settled down to write this, we had just about got rid of the smell of burning martyr by furiously wafting the back door and copious amounts of air freshener!

Now turning my attention to more serious matters - the day's entertainment - racing from Catterick. I'm not going to worry about the all weather meetings. My selections are:

12.50 Shadrack
1.20 John Forbes
1.50 Sendali
2.20 Ballabriggs
2.55 Milans Man
3.30 Carrietau
4.05 Carpincho

Please remember that I am not an expert! But some people who are experts on racing are the Channel 4 racing team and here is their short item about the Golden Button Ride.

News Just In....

News has just reached us that our intrepid traveller has just touched down in Sydney (21.10 UK time) some 26hours and 5 minutes after leaving home, and having travelled 10,600 miles arriving just 35 minutes later than scheduled, actually isn't that bad!

Come Dine With Me....

Well, things are looking up, the house sitter's culinary skills are almost as good as Mother's. This evening we were treated to a Nigella special: Mustard Pork Chops. To be fair, the title doesn't quite do it justice. It was exceptionally nice, with a sauce made out of double cream, mustard and cider. Pudding (not photographed as I was too busy eating it) was an Asda "Extra Special" French Brioche Bread & Butter pudding made with cornish clotted cream and Madagascan vanilla. Hand finished with Chilean flame raisins and golden demerara sugar..... which is a shame really as the average Asda customer wouldn't know where Cornwall, Madagasca or Chile were, even if their life depended upon it.












Dinner ? Dinner? Did someone say Dinner?

I've been asleep. Did I miss lunch?

A successful afternoon.

Just been to the Tote in the Village to collect my winnings!

Really looking forward to tomorrow's action at Catterick, Lingfield and Wolverhampton. Sadly Chepstow has been abandoned.

Result !!!

Well that was a result... third at 50/1 in the first race. To be honest I am now too busy with the rest of the afternoon's activities to be posting on here... so I'm afraid that you will have to pick your own winners.

Day One continued...

Well, its been all go here this morning. The Sky man has been and installed the dish etc so I am all set for the 1 o'clock at Taunton. My money is on El Distintivo ridden by Sam Thomas and trained by Venetia Williams. Also the Crime Scene Investigators have been here bagging up samples of biscuit crumbs from my bed, no doubt to be produced as evidence for next weeks hearing.

Soup and Toast are on the menu for lunch.... now where did I leave the Radio Times?

Out for a stroll.

Day One

Well after months of planning and minutes of preparation, the day finally arrived. Yes, Mother has gone away on holiday, leaving me in charge of Super Nan and the house-sitters...... not to mention those pesky cats. By the time the house sitters returned from dropping off 'er indoors at the airport the party was in full swing, although for the life of me, I can't honestly say I knew who half of them were!

Still, I think that the next few weeks are going to be great fun.... the thing is, here at HQ, laws are put on the statute books at a whim and then repealled seconds later.... the house sitters don't know whether they are coming or going, but always seem to be in trouble with the local constabulary, i.e. Super Nan. One slight transgression of Byelaw 708 Chapter3 Para 2 was that I was served my bedtime biscuits in bed last night and not in the kitchen. That particular crime goes to court next week, I suppose I should take some interest and look up what the penalty is likely to be, I am not sure if that carries a custodial sentance or not.

Still I am pleased to report that despite the late night, the house sitters were up early this morning (06.15) thanks to one of the cats howling for its breakfast. I'm also pleased to report that Nigel has had his medication (both last night and this morning). I have been out for my morning stroll and managed to pick up a copy of the Racing Post so I can look forward to an afternoon of racing and black and white war films. The racing today is from Taunton, Southwell (AW), Wolverhampton (Evening AW) and Gowran Park, although to be honest, the all weather stuff is a bit dull. Still, the nice lady at Sky promised me the engineer would be here by coffee time so we should be up and running with "At The Races" and "Racing UK" in time for the 1.00 from Taunton.


I'm keeping my head down whilst the last remnants of the party are cleared up. Hopefully the French Polisher will be here soon, but to be honest, there are not as many of them around these days as Yellow Pages would have you believe. It is actually easier to find a book by J.R. Hartley than it is to get a French Polisher.